22 October 2014

Sneak Peak

Working on over 2,500 photos but here are a few from my trip back east to wet your whistle while I'm choosing the photos and writing about my experiences..

Sitting on the Bench

The latest Mormon Message on the Mormon Channel deals with Suicide Prevention.  That's my friend Seth sharing his experiences.

My friend whose daughter hanged herself in June has been pleading with me to share my own experience as someone who has attempted to kill herself and who is living with suicidal ideation on a daily basis. She especially wants the shame and darkness that go hand-in-hand with attempts/ideation to be banished.  She believes that if it comes into the light, more lives can and will be saved.  I've been so hesitant, in spite of my attempts to share.  People can be cruel, either through words or through my greatest fear:  abandonment.

I've started more blog posts about my experience than I can count but I inevitably decide to not publish them.  Perhaps I'm repeating myself here.  I don't know.  In this case, I don't think I'll go into much detail about my own attempt to kill myself other than reflecting on my experience on contrast with what is shared in the video.  I also have some cool memes that I've been wanting to share in the right moment and I'm thinking this post is the one...

I watched the video with tears streaming down my cheeks because I recognized each and every feeling that was described.  I live with them every single day.  I don't know how to make them go away.  I really don't.  I do know what do do when I feel them though I have to admit, I'm terrified there will come a day when the skills I've learned won't work anymore.

Where do I begin?  From the horrible, almost inhumane way I was treated in the emergency room to my therapist not speaking to me for 24 hours after I told her (which was about 24 hours after the attempt) to my husband not wanting me to tell anyone--even to this day, it was an awful, shameful mortifying experience.  The attitude was kind of a "how dare you inconvenience me?" or "seeking attention, are we?" or "get over it!" one.  It wasn't.  I didn't tell anyone my intentions, no one saw it coming.  I didn't leave a note.  I didn't care.  I just wanted to die.  Life hurt(s) too much to live.

I get it.  It must be hard to have to deal with someone like me over and over.  To other people, it seems so easy to just "be happy" and "move on" and "fill in the blank of all those obnoxious statements".  If you can do it, why can't I?  Because I can't.  I'm at the point where I don't dare tell anyone what I'm feeling anymore because I'm more often than not in that dark place.  Is that the ideation (as so described in the video) talking?  Or is it a learned behavior based on past experiences?  I have to admit I get tired of being told what to do to "fix it"--as if I hadn't tried it already.  You don't tell someone with cancer that if they just change their attitude their cancer will go away.  Granted, Type 2 Diabetes might be changed with diet and lifestyle changes...  but still.  What others think are helpful statements hurt, invalidate, destroy.

Am I being fair?  Probably not.  In looking back on that day, I'm reminded of the friend I texted who cared enough to do what he could to get me help (even though he lived in Idaho), because I couldn't get a hold of my husband or bishop when I realized my attempt failed and I was in desperate need of medical care.  My husband who left an important meeting at work to take me to the ER and stayed by my side the entire day.  My bishop who showed up after work and then brought me dinner because I was stuck in the back corner of the ER and starving while waiting for a bed to open up in the mental health unit of a different hospital with nurses ignoring me. *gasp*  Boy, was that a long run-on sentence!

 Is it any wonder I love Eeyore?  I so totally relate to him.  I try to not be depressing or negative around other people.  It's hard.  I have a few friends who relate and who let me wallow for a while before encouraging me to focus on positives (remember my 10 positives list?).  All I want is to be loved, to feel loved, and to be treated like I'm loved.

And again, I'm reminded of Broken Vessel. This talk gives me hope for a future free of depression and anxiety.  Of a future where I will feel and be loved.  I know I will be healed.  Maybe not in this life, but He who descended below all will heal me.

So there you have it...  I'm opening up about my suicide attempt to bring it into the light, to try to remove the stigma.  I'm not talking about it to seek attention or especially to make anyone feel guilty. It is my hope that the shame and embarrassment that are currently companions to suicidal ideation and attempts will go away thanks to videos like Seth's and Elder Holland's talk and those of us who deal with it will feel safe enough to reach out for help.

20 October 2014

Here We Go Again

He was monitored in the ER for a couple hours tonight for a reoccurrence of v-tach. They were concerned because of his history so a pulse of 100-115 caused some concern.

He has to wear a holter monitor to see how bad if he is going into v-tach again.

Now that I'm home & eaten, I'm going to bed.

The Utah Bubble

I told ya I'd be back before you knew I was gone...  *chuckle*

It's been five years since I've been out of Utah for as long as I've been.  We left for Virginia on Saturday, 10 Oct, and flew home this morning.  I have about 2,500 photos to go through and lots of experiences  to share so it's gonna take a while.  Having said that, I wanted to ponder (in writing) my thoughts of being "outside the bubble" that is predominantly LDS Utah/Intermountain West.

I realized this past week just how much of a bubble I live in.

And I never thought I'd say this but....

I'm very thankful for it.

I don't have to drive down the road and see "adult stores with private viewing rooms" on a semi-regular basis.  I don't have to listen to raunch on the morning talk shows.  I don't have to worry about language (for the most part).  I appreciated the Zion Curtain (Utah's drinking laws) before but it was a nice reminder of what life is like elsewhere with looser liquor laws.

Yes, I live in a bubble.  An extremely conservative, pretty religious, insulated bubble.  (It would have stayed conservative had an activist judge not decided to negate the will of the people but...  eh, we'll deal.)

I'm a Mormon.  I like living here among other Mormons with the same societal values.  (Was that a pig flying by my window?)

Although I'm open to living elsewhere, I think that until I get a better offer, I'll just stay here in the shadow of the everlasting hills.

But you can come visit me any time.

Have You Seen This?

My local news station has a section on its website titled "Have You Seen this?"  It shares a variety of videos that are pretty...  cool.

This particular one came out just this past Saturday via the Mormon Newsroom, while I was gone.  I didn't get a chance to see it until just now but must share it.  The video explains the sacred temple clothing that endowed members (myself included) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints wear.  (Endowed meaning having "gone through" the temple.)

I think it's a tastefully done video that explains the purpose of sacred, not secret, clothing.  Not weird.  An outward expression of an inward commitment and a constant daily reminder of the promises made in the temple.

That Was Close!

I made the decision a while back to order a second xD card from Amazon to take on my trip back east.  Of course I procrastinated the purchase and ended up buying it nine days before we're to leave, and two days after a free membership to Amazon Prime expired.  Estimated delivery dates ranged from three days before up to the day we leave.  *gulp*

When the package finally shipped, the estimated date of delivery was the day of our trip, by 8 pm that evening.  Well seeing since our flight is scheduled to leave at 2:15 pm, I was stressing.  Stressing, stressing, stressing.

I've been watching it like a hawk and praying, hard. What's the point of buying the card if I'm not going to be able to use it for what I bought it for. Nothing changed for estimated delivery date but it was delivered to the post office from FedEX the morning of the day before our departure date.  Question was...  Did it get onto the mailwoman's truck for delivery?


19 October 2014

Ono Grindzzzzz

We have to go all the way to West Valley City multiple times a week for the Caboose's hockey games and practices.  Sadly, the southwest corner of the Salt Lake valley doesn't have an ice rink--yet.  The closest one to us is the Olympic Oval in Kearns but we're supposed to get one in the next few years.  Of course the Caboose will be back East playing lacrosse in college by then but hey...

So while wandering around in the hour between the time we dropped him off and when his game started, I discovered something that made me very happy.

The first time I went, I got my usual BBQ beef plate lunch.  It was ono as expected, of course.  The macaroni salad is probably the best mac salad on the mainland.  (You just can't beat potato/mac salad ovah there.)

Lately, though, I've shaken things up with a combo of the BBQ beef and Loco Moco.  Dang, I haven't taken a photo of it yet.  I know...  I'll rectify that next time.

Huh.  It's been a while since we've made Loco Moco at home.  I think it's time for some ono grindzzzz

Aloha Gator!