15 December 2014

A Silly Story

My friend, Rachel, came over today.  She was originally going to take me out for my birthday lunch but GB scheduled a plumber visit without telling me so our plans changed.  She brought lunch and we made home made tootsie rolls.  It goes easier when there's two, especially when she does the part I hate (cutting the wax paper).

After we cleaned up, we were examining my Snoopy tree and looking at all the different ornaments that I have.  I was pointing out favorites and of course had to tell her the story of at least *ahem* one of them.

Which led to another of those silly stories.  One that after I told her, she suggested I share it on my blog because it's just too funny to not share--now. *wry chuckle* She also had some questions of her own that surprisingly I'd never thought of to ask.   What was the story that she thought was hilarious?  Um, it's the one where I unintentionally and accidentally turned the FBI onto someone for a crime they didn't commit.  Oh yeah, I'm going there...

It's no secret that I've experienced a huge amount of what can only be described as emotional trauma in my life.  Early on, as an adult, I trained my brain to go to a "safe place".  In actuality, it wasn't a place, it was a person.  So naturally over the years, when I felt threatened or alone, I'd picture this particular individual in my mind.  I know it's not healthy. He wasn't in my life anymore.  I did what I had to in order to survive.

In March of 1995, I got into a not only particularly violent emotional, but physical situation with my now nsdxh, The result with the nsdxh resulted in a restraining order against him and I was in therapy trying to deal with the abuse and now divorce looming in my life.  I often escaped into the memory of my "safe person", let's call him Bob.

A month after the episode, I was working for the very first time in my life.  Two days after I started my new job, there was a bombing in Oklahoma City.  I remember watching the news reports the morning before I went into work and being stunned and scared.

Some time went by and the FBI released a composite sketch of "John Doe II".  I took one look at that sketch and saw...  Bob.  As I told Rachel this afternoon, I had my reasons.  Most of them had to do with us having a mutual friend who was from Michigan and I remember something about guns.  Plus, over the years the nsdxh had been feeding me full of lies about Bob and I struggled to differentiate what *I* knew about him against what the nsdxh told me.  All I knew was that I was seeing Bob in this composite sketch of a potential second bomber.  Did I really think my "safe person" participated in such a horrific terroristic act?  Of course not.  Not rationally.  I just remembered...  things.

So during one session, I brought this up with my therapist, Steve.  It was just in passing and I was trying to process it and maybe even get a little validation that I was wrong in seeing Bob in this composite.  I think Steve even had a newspaper or access to the composite and I explained why I thought I saw him.  I didn't have any photos of him at the time to compare.  Oh, I wish I did!!!

Well, the entire session was spent with Steve asking me pointed questions about Bob.  Bob was my favorite subject that I didn't ever get to talk about so I happily filled him in on where I thought Bob was going to school, where his parents had lived when I knew him, and anything else I could possibly think of.  I was oblivious to any possible consequence.  I was just happy to be able to talk about Bob. Did I mention naive, too?  *sigh*

I went to our session the next week and Steve didn't mention Bob  again. Time passed and I stopped seeing Steve.  Heck, I even forgot about the conversation.  I certainly would have remembered if Steve had told me he was going to forward the information I'd told him to the FBI.   I would hope.

Maybe I've had too many head injuries....  Maybe Steve did tell me he contacted the FBI.  Maybe he told me he was considering it but didn't tell me that he actually did.  Maybe I didn't think they'd find Bob.  I just don't remember.

More than three years passed.  My divorce was final, I met and married GB.  I came close to dying with a heart issue.  In part because of that, I decided to seek Bob out.  I don't know why, anymore.  I just did.  Our friendship picked up where the last Jenga game all those years ago left off.  My best friend was back in my life.  Life was good between that relationship and my marriage.

One day, as we were talking on the phone, he told me a story.

A story about how the FBI sought him out over the OKC bombing, not just once, but twice!!!  The first time was when he was still in college (so the composite must have been released not long after the bombing because he graduated that year).  Oops.  The second time was months later in the state he eventually moved to, having just started a new career in a similar field.

Oh snap. Oh snap oh snap oh snap oh snap.  Oh snap oh snap oh snap oh snap.

I remember trying extremely hard to sound surprised about his experience, that I was hearing about this "connection" between him and John Doe 2 for the very first time.  I was so embarrassed and honestly, even a little upset, no a lot upset with Steve for reporting what I thought was a protected conversation.

Then I got asked a question.  "Did you have anything to do with it?"

"No?"  Very quietly, probably a little squeaky, very embarrassed...

"Laurie...."

"Um..."

"You know you can't lie to me about anything, Laurie. I always know."

*sigh*  "Okay.  Fine.  You see it was my therapist, Steve...." and I explained the whole situation and begged, pleaded for his forgiveness.  Totally.  Mortified.  He laughed it off and forgave me.  He did point out, though, that John Doe 2 was thought to be Hispanic, of which this golden haired blue eyed man looked nothing like. How could I confuse him?

Um, no photos for reference?  He was constantly on my mind at that time and I was seeing him everywhere.

We never spoke of it again.  I can't even begin to imagine how embarrassing it was for him to have the FBI come looking for him--twice!!!  I still feel really guilty about my part in it, especially when after telling Rachel the story and pulling out the photo of John Doe 2, I showed her a few different photos of Bob that are in my possession.  Um, no.  Not even.  And no, I'm not going to share those photos here.  I want to respect his privacy, he didn't deserve the FBI visits *good grief!* all those years ago and he doesn't deserve to be singled out now.

She was all but rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.

Once she stopped laughing so hard, she asked a question that I had never really considered...  "How did he know to ask YOU about the FBI questioning him?"

After all, I was living in Utah at the time and he lived on the other side of the country and I do remember the anonymous tip hotline so there was absolutely no freaking way he should have known I had anything to do with it.

My response?  "That is a very good question that I don't know the answer to. I can't believe in all the years since it happened I haven't wondered myself! I wish I could ask him..."  Oh, and why twice?  Why at school and then several months later in a new state at a new job?  I'm guessing he needed a background check before starting his new job... As I said to Rachel, I really could have screwed up his life big time.

We're not talking these days so I'll just have to hold on to those questions and hope that there will come a day when he'll tell me.

One thing about Bob that only influenced the "safe person/place" about him in my mind is how forgiving he was over the years, especially after he found out I was responsible for the FBI's visits. I don't know what I would have done had someone done to me what I did to him like that.  I don't know if I would have even allowed them back in my life--but he was still willing to be my friend even after I told him I was responsible for the FBI visiting his new place of employment.  He's forgiven a lot of awful behavior on my part. I dished out quite a bit.  Dare I say drama when I was still learning how to grow up--and even after.  I often confused the hell out of him with my antics and sometimes what appeared to be manic, conflicting behavior and he was still always there.  Still my best friend and always my "safe place", at least in my mind.

Okay, maybe not so much anymore.  But for a long, long time, he was.

But I'll never forget that conversation.  Ever.  Ever, ever ever.  And I need to work on forgiving myself for something that happened to someone that I honestly adored nearly 20 years ago that I didn't even know I did!

Mortified.  Still.  But hey, at least I can laugh about it now.  I hope he can.



MM: O Holy Night

I'm trying really hard to get in the Christmas spirit.  O Holy Night has always been one of my favorites.  This video brought me to tears.  I cannot wait for the day when I can kneel at His feet and be healed.

12 December 2014

Angels, #ShareTheGift

This Christmas video is amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  I had several friends participate as angels.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to, even though I wanted to be a part of it.

Merry CHRISTmas.

08 December 2014

MM: O Come, Emmanuel Piano Guys

I think this is my favorite Christmas carol ( andarrangement) this year.

07 December 2014

Box Lacrosse? Not So Fast

The Caboose decided to try Box Lacrosse yesterday.  It's lacrosse played on an indoor soccer field.  Or, at least, that's what he was playing yesterday as it can be played outdoors as well.  He was doing really quite well, too.  His team was creaming Bingham (yay!) and he had already scored at least two goals with one more in his sights.

Then a Bingham player took a cheap shot out of frustration (they were down 13 points?).  A trip to instacare, x-rays, ice, and a few tears of his own frustration later, this is where he is.

Yup.  Crutches.  The doctor  believes it's "just" a hyperextended knee and he'll be clear to play as early as Thursday.  We'll see.



The Reason for the Season

05 December 2014

Improvement? Road Trip!

Took a little road trip today and I got to experiment with my camera "in the field" as it were--using it in one of the ways I have used my Oly in the past.

Pulled out the larger? longer? lens for the trip as well.  Then I discovered I actually have an optical zoom on my smaller one.  Nice!

I spent quite a bit of time last night researching how to use it and it actually paid off.  I do believe I'm quite happy with my new camera.  I think.  Have another hockey game (and box lacrosse) game tomorrow to experiment with but so far so good.

Why did we take a little road trip today?

The puppies are here!  The puppies are here!  *sigh*  That's the text message I got yesterday while at physical therapy.  Sooo...  Rather than choosing a puppy by cell phone photo, we drove down to Axtell to see them with our own eyes.  I'm glad we did because the puppies that caught the Caboose's eye in the photos are going to be huge.  I don't want a big dog.  Heck, I don't want a dog.

Ends up, the Caboose's new puppy pretty much picked us.  She's only two days old but the moment I saw her, I just, knew.  Exactly like Zoey (Turbo) and Keek-a-Boo.  She doesn't have a name yet and won't be ready to come home until February.  But the Caboose is very excited.  He had me request baby name books from the library when we got home this evening.
She is a blue merle miniature American/Australian Shepherd.  I don't know why the Caboose wanted this particular breed.  I was trying to get him to get a Cocker or even a Sheltie if he was going to get a dog.  Oh well.  At least we got a female rather than a male.

Coming home, we got stuck in the affects of this crash.  Traffic was backed up for seven miles and we were smack dab in the middle of it for about an hour until GB decided that taking an exit and going through Lehi would be faster than the closed interstate like I suggested.  *sigh*

But we made it home.  My poor kittehs.  They don't know what is in store for them.